Music. Cards. Travel. Life.

This is my life. Almost done college, almost moving on, almost getting out there.

In the last three years, I’ve seen parts of the world I never thought I’d see, been in a relationship that was too deep for my age, learned an old and respected game, and went for some post secondary education.

In the near future, I’ll be finished said post secondary education and will begin working for a living, and traveling to live. I’ll always have my music with me, and I want it to be a tool in the furthering of my life.

I’m trying to find a life that will lead to happiness, and the ever present need to learn more about life and the world around me will always keep me wanting more.

This was me 6 months ago.

This is me now.

I’m done college. I’m building a career for myself, I work for 4 different companies in the field that I went to school for, and I couldn’t be happier. In the coming weeks, work will pick up and I should be working more than full time hours between the different companies.

In two weeks, I’ve got an interview for a position as an Audio tech on a cruise line. This means I could be accepting a six month contract at the end of March to be gone until October. If this happens, posts will be significantly more often, with lots of pictures.

As for Music, I’m going to be in a Youtube video shoot with a band that looks like they’re going places. I’ll have a stylist and everything.I’m still looking for a band, and I hope to get hooked up with a good group soon.

As for cards, I’m taking a break from big games for a while, and possibly playing entirely. In order to play in the most proper way, you must have the necessary bankroll for any game you play in, and in the past, I’ve neglected this incredibly important aspect of the game, but no more. I will only play within my means, and thus produce significantly better results.

As for life, my life has been mostly focusing on getting work, which is going great (as I said.) In the time that I’m not working I’m just enjoying spending time with friends, working on music, and looking for somebody to love. Not that I don’t like being single, but it leaves something to be desired.

I’ve always looked for love. I’ve always been a family guy (no pun.) I’ve always wished to find the girl of my dreams, even though I have no idea what she looks like, and no idea where I’d find her. I’ve always been a relationship guy, throwing myself blindly into, and giving all of my attention to whatever girl seemed genuinely interested in me. It’s a sad life, full of hurt and disappointment. Recently, I’ve attempted something new, this whole ‘casual dating’ thing. It’s been incredibly disappointing too, as when entering into this casual relationship with a female, the pretext in my head is that nothing will come of it, and she is not a ‘girlfriend type’ or ‘wife material,’ and that she’s only for.. well a casual relationship. All I want is to find someone who I can give my love to, and receive love for my being. I just want to find something real.

For some reason though, I still have this desire to meet a lot of girls, and have a lot of casual relationships. I feel left out when I hear stories from my friends, “Milton,” “Tobermory,” and my brother “Barrie.” They talk about how much fun they have, how many girls they’ve been with, and how they’ve got no interest in having just one. Barrie, for instance is what “The Game” -Neil Strauss, calls an “MLTR” guy. Multi-Long-Term-Relationship guy. He’s seeing 6 different girls, who all think he’s their boyfriend.  He seems completely happy,  and even though I know he feels alone, he puts on a pretty good show. It’s a brotherly competition thing I think. I always felt this need to be better than him, try the things he does well, then get better at them. I know I can be better than him at this, because I can be amazing at anything I decide to be amazing at, I’m just that obsessive.

The question is, do I even want to do that? I feel like it’d just make me feel extremely empty. Even more than I am already, I think. I have needs though, I want female attention, and I want to give what I have to offer. Should I be looking for a real relationship? I’m just tired of these casual things that go nowhere. I don’t like them, because I instantly go to “relationship mode” and try to make it into something I know it’s not. I do it as soon as I receive the interest from a girl. It’s the calling, the texting, the mushy mushy lovey stuff that I want to do, except I do it when I don’t really feel head over heels for someone. It’s me playing the part of what I think they want to hear, just so I can keep… seeing them. It’s horribly terrible, I know, it’s just what I do.
TLDNR I’m conflicted because on one hand, I’m looking for love, and want to find somebody, and on the other, I could get this pickup thing down to a science, and become a robotic machine of sexual ambiguity, One is a seemly unending search while the other provides momentary pleasures with long-term regrets.

This is where my head’s at.

It’s pretty cool that way it works, and it affects everyone completely different. Try this sometime. Take two completely different songs and listen to them in the same place, and see what’s different when you look around.

I just did it with “Bulletproof” by La Roux, and “Day Old Hate” by City and Colour. Everyone seems to be in party mode, walking to the beat and enjoying their day… Then changing songs, I seem to be only able to stare at the people with blank ‘grinding it out’ looks on their faces. They look so sad, and I can’t do anything for them. I just want a guitar right now so I can sing them a song. It’s truly satisfying to make somebody smile. I need to write some more music.

Sitting at Second Cup in Toronto.. with free WIFI. Awesome.

It’s been a while, but the city always inspires me. There are so many people here, it’s hard to fathom running into somebody you know, yet I still look at each face like it’s somebody I’ll remember. It just doesn’t happen. These people’s faces will disappear so incredibly quickly. They’re eveywhere, lether jackets, denim jackets, plaid button downs, dance tights, long skirts, dude haircuts on chicks, long hair on dudes. big sunglasses, old sunglasses, newfangled bluetooth units… Iphones, Blackberries, Androids, Ipods, Zunes, Netbooks, Macbooks and notebooks. It’s really amazing how everyone chooses to express themselves, and advertise ‘who they are’ by what they put on, and what they choose to show people. It’s like peacocks and their feathers.. everyone wants to show off what they have to offer with what they’ve got on the outside. It’s insane that every single one of these people a story either as or more unique than their clothing. These people could be from anywhere, and speak any number of languages, and have such completely different ideas of the struggles and triumphs of life. I guess sometimes you just need to figure out where you stand in life to figure out who you are. Then find the right clothes to tell everyone.

A few sick hands from the tournament on Saturday.

Tyler opens from middle position with a decent raise, Bill calls from the small blind, BB folds.
Flop comes A J 5, Bill leads out, Tyler re-raises, Bill shoves all in. Tyler calls, and turns over Aces for top set. Bill turns over pocket fives for bottom set. Gross.

I shove short-stacked blind with 34o from the big blind. Aunt Dale calls with QJo, flop comes 3 3 9. Turn 8. River 10. REBUY!!!

Haven’t had much of it for writing lately, but I do now!

So, after a super busy weekend, I handed in my post project and wrote two exams yesterday, then another this morning. Kinda funny actually, the project was worth 40% of my mark, and the exam, which I wrote 5 hours after handing said project, was worth 60% of my mark. 100% in one day? Yup. At least I know i got 92% on the exam.

Feeling really good about finishing the huge project, and the exams to come this week.

3 down, 5 to go.

Good tournament, almost done post project.

I’ve always said how I’m thankful for the mistakes I’ve made because if it weren’t for them, I wouldn’t be here. It’s not true. I’d rather be anywhere but here. It’s sad, cold and alone. What if I missed something along the way? What if this fairytale I want was waiting for me and I ignored it?

Could it really have been different? Would that have been any better?

I expect too much, I think. Really, how can somebody know exactly when you want to talk, or be held,  or somehow know exactly when you need them to just show up and run to you. I’ve always done it. I’ve built up these fairytale bullshit ideas of how people or situations are or how they should be when I can’t control them. I’ve never understood why I do it, and yet I continue to for some reason.

I’m constantly disappointed when things don’t end up the way I plan them out, or imagine them to be. It has hurt my relationships, friendships, and my own self perception. Every time I look in the mirror I expect something, then I’m disappointed by what I see. Every time I pick up the guitar I expect so play something new and fantastic, but I keep playing the same old boring crap.

I just don’t understand why I do it.